The oppressive, torrential weight of being 22...
- ab costi
- Mar 18, 2021
- 2 min read
I wrote this in September and labeled it a "cry for help". But it was never about needing help, it was about needing to feel connection. This feeling is still relevant, and if you feel this way: you are not alone.
I sit here. Alone in my apartment. I know I’m fortunate to have been able to move out of my parent’s home so soon. But I still wake up in a cold sweat most nights panicking over where next month’s rent will come from.
It’s my own fault. Who moves to a new city during a recession without a plan?
Me I guess.
My roommates know what they’re doing. I’m proud of them. I do not know what I’m doing. I sit alone at home. I stare at these four walls. I convince myself I’m being productive by taking out the trash while my roommates are at work or school. I’m lying to myself.
I make tiktoks. It generates no income but I act like it does. It helps me pretend that my days have a structure. I get up at 9:30, I shower, I put together an outfit, I eat a sandwich, I brush my teeth, I film two to four videos, I watch a movie, I go for a walk, I take out the trash, I do the Chloe Ting ab workout, I cook dinner, I watch another movie, I go to bed.
Repeat.
Life is monotonous but not structured. Time is moving forward but I am not. Everyone has a direction but me.
I thought I had a direction. The plan was to go into theatre, or event planning, or hospitality, or summer camp management. Those industries no longer exist. It’s a global pandemic after all.
Part of me just wants to wait for those jobs to come back, but I need money now. Another part of me is like “fuck it, we’ll take anything” but I have a paralyzing fear that if I don’t get my foot in the door of the industry I want now, I never will.
I feel like I failed before I even got to try.
I knew that what I wanted to do with my life wasn’t simple or common or easy. I knew that the route I’d have to take would be unorthodox and differ from my friends. I knew that I’d probably never make a lot of money and need side jobs. All of that was worth it with a career that I actually enjoyed existing at the other end of the tunnel.
But the tunnel is blocked off. It’s unclear if it’s just a bit of roadwork, or if it’s permanent.
The life I was going to have no longer exists.
And that’s ok.
But it sucks.
I have that lost feeling too, and I'm only 19 years old. I'm in community college and yet, I don't even know what kind of career I want. Well, I think I know what I want but I doubt myself constantly. But I think the biggest thing we can learn during our time in this lost period in our lives is that now, we have so many possibilities to try anything and everything. We can come up with new ways to put ourselves out there. I don't know if this was comforting at all, but it's always nice to know that we aren't alone with these feelings. Everything always works out eventually, you got this :))