Soul-Crushing Envy

I’m happy for my friends.

I really, truly am. They work super hard and they deserve all the goodness and opportunities life has to offer them.

But it’s difficult to reconcile the soul-crushing envy I feel.

I know that there aren’t a finite number of “fantastic moments” in the world and that just because their lives are coming together doesn’t mean mine won’t. But it doesn’t feel that way. I try to stay positive, but it’s tough. I’d be lying if I said that thoughts never go through my head of things not going how my friends would hope. The thoughts are brief, and I always feel so guilty after because I don’t mean them, but they happen.

Maybe it would be easier if this was a rare occurrence, but in the hopscotch of life, my peers are all nearing the finish line while I’m still stuck on the first jump.

Time and time again, my friends are making strides forward while I am stagnant.

Everything is coming together for them while I’m still waiting for the instruction manual. Or maybe I’m just waiting to understand the instruction manual.

But their manuals came with clear pictures, and mine is written in Russian. It doesn’t feel fair.

I know that not true.

Life’s not fair or easy for anyone. I mean, some people definitely have it harder and face more roadblocks, but I’m certainly not one of them. I’ve been handed so much privilege in my lifetime, I try to recognize and remember that.

I just wish I had something to show for it.

All that privilege and still zero results.

Maybe I’m not working hard enough. Maybe I’m too complacent and lazy.

It’s not my friends' fault that they’re trying harder than me.

Or putting themselves out there more than me.

Their opportunities come from applying for them, whereas I’m sitting around waiting for my Fairy Godmother to turn me into Cinderella.

That’s not to say that I’m doing nothing, I put in work every single day.

But the path I’m taking (or at least think I’m taking) is an unlikely and tricky one. It relies on luck and timing. It relies on an algorithm. The only thing I can control is my attitude and ideas…

Simple enough… isn't it?

yeah, right