Journal #1: An Introduction to your Resident Y/N in Training

Welcome to The Y/N Diaries! A collection of records on the testing for a foolproof set of steps to become the main character of your 2014 dreams.

I’ve never written a blog post before (I don’t even think I’ve read a blog) so I have no idea how this is supposed to work. I’m figuring it out as I go—much like I am with life lmao

Throughout these blog posts, I plan to document my progress on following the steps of my y/n theory. You are all more than welcome to test the theory alongside me (it can be found on “The Y/N Theory” tab of this website). Honestly, I have a good feeling about the theory’s success. I trust the Law of Attraction to bestow those who commit to its practices with their desired outcome. But buckle in for a ramble-y experience, because my thoughts move faster than my brain can lol

So why did I embark on this journey?

Basically, I was bored of my life. It didn’t feel like I was living up to my potential. I was just living for the day when the pandemic was eventually over and I could go out drinking with my friends again.

But in this seemingly endless pause on society, I couldn’t put off my life anymore. I saw my entire 22nd year fly away like a small town on the highway. Simultaneously, it feels like I am the car, zooming past major life events, and like I am the town, being forgotten and unnoticed by everyone.

I really did try to keep it together after my senior year of college was cancelled. I finished my schoolwork, I graduated, I applied to jobs. But no one wanted me; I couldn’t for the life of me get hired. So I pursued social media. And I feel incredibly fulfilled by it, but I still can’t shake the nagging feeling that I am waiting for a train that’ll never come. All my friends’ trains came, but mine’s arrival keeps getting delayed. At some point, it feels like it’d be easier to give up and go somewhere else, but I’ve already waited this long.

That’s an incredibly long metaphor (you’ll get used to those, I write like I’m trying to impress the cool philosophy professor in my freshman seminar lmao), but I don’t want to take a different train. I like the path I’m on, even if it looks a little different to what fulfills other people.

But the bottom line is… I want to be extraordinary.

I want to live a life that’s worth celebrating. I want to be someone that you can meet once and never forget. I want to leave the world better than I found it, despite all the ways it tried to hurt me.

I’ve heard that your 20s are the roughest years of your life. Everyone feels like they’re the only one who doesn’t have their life together. Everyone has debilitating imposter syndrome. Everyone feels like their life is over before it even got to begin.

Perhaps this is a narrative engrained in us by our capitalistic society to beat us into compliance towards working from our first moment of eligibility until we’re too old to continue. But that’s a rant for another blog post…

I don’t want to wait until I’ve retired—I want to live my life to its fullest right now.

You know those moments where you remember that you’re alive? Sometimes it’s when you’re running around barefoot under the summer’s sunset. Others it just when you and a friend can’t stop from laughing at something silly. Suddenly, the present feels like the only thing that has ever existed. And you get that hugging feeling in your heart.

Sometimes it feels like you only get those moments once in a blue moon, but I don’t think it has to be that way. I want to have those moments every single day.

Because truly, the only reality is the one right now. It’s the only thing we can control and experience. I think the y/n theory deals largely in the present moment. Because living in the present is how magical moments happen.

I am not particularly good at living in the moment.

I’ve always dreamed of being spontaneous, but my concoction of depression and anxiety keeps me ricocheting between the past and the future. Honestly, I don’t think this theory will fix my mental health, but maybe it can undo some of the negative habits I’ve picked up because of it.

That’s where I currently am in the steps of the y/n theory: step 2. I am identifying who my ideal self is. We already have two answers: extraordinary and spontaneous. I am also working to identify the personality traits I already have. Those that I admire and those that are holding my back. Throughout the next series of posts, I’m gonna be working through those concepts.

This is some mixture of self-reflection and character work, which happen to be two of my favorite things. I’ve always enjoyed trying to figure out why I am the way I am. I’ve also always enjoyed perceiving my personality as that of a character. I’m not sure why tbh

***

Anyways, I guess since this ramble seems to be wrapping up, I’ll do some quick housekeeping:

Like I said at the beginning of this post, I’m not sure how a blog is supposed to be a set up. I think that provides me a unique opportunity to reimagine what a blog can be—I’m embracing my ignorance.

My current thought is that the blog posts will be separated into 4 categories: Journals, Workbooks, Diaries, and Brainscatters.

Journals are big picture thoughts. How my philosophy on the theory is changing and developing. Overarching themes for my week. Critiques on my successes, shortcomings, and progress of the past week. Overall, journals will be a little more scientific minded than the other blog posts. My goal is to have a new journal out every Sunday.

Workbooks are integrated with Step 3 of the y/n theory: closing the gap between my ideal self and my current self. It will be updates on goals that I’ve set for myself, updates on habits I’m trying to break or form, and tactics for how to do so successfully.

Diaries are integrated with Step 4. They will be perhaps the most casual of the blog posts. Diary entries will be the ways that I am living in the midst of a pandemic. The experiences I’m having and how I’m doing so safely and cost-effectively. They will be memories, a time capsule of sorts. They will include the positive in my life as well as the negative. The full range of life as I experience it.

Finally, brainscatters are what I call the random poems and essays I write at 2am when I have a thought in my head that needs to be articulated. They are usually written off a random spark of inspiration and therefore cannot be anticipated. But they are my favorite way to write, because as I mentioned earlier, my thoughts move quickly and constantly. Sometimes I need a format to write that has no structure.

I guess that’s all for this week. Let me know if there’s any way I can improve. I’m also trying to figure out ways to incorporate my tiktok account with this blog, but I haven’t solidified anything yet.

If you read this all the way to the end, I appreciate you deeply. See you soon!